Now

Well, that was my last entry: August 12. I was a bit hard on myself, but that's not unlike me. I think this was the first time I picked on myself for my thoughts as much as I did. I have still been upset with myself while back at home, and it has been hard to try and decode my thoughts. I talked to a few people about how I felt. One person asked me if I got everything that I wanted to out of the trip... and went on to say that if I didn't, that was ok. A few people told me that it may come with time. Two people told me that I was being too hard on myself and that maybe I was mentally exhausted after all the time away. One told me that there are limits to how much our psyche can grow and take in at one time; that maybe I couldn't take any more in. Maybe it's a combination of some of these things, but as acouple people told me, I think a big part of the way I feel is due to my tendancyo to expect perfection from myself. Striving for perfection and ESPECIALLY expecting perfection from myself has been a problem for as long as I can remember. What's ironic about the whole situation is that I hoped more than anything to go to El Salvador and totally forget myself; to just think about God's kingdom and forget my own needs. It's ironic because in doing so, I became disappointed with myself for not living up to that standard, and thus became ultra aware of myself.... exactly what I was trying to avoid! Being aware of yourself isn't always a bad thing, it just wasn't what I wanted to accomplish. I don't mean being aware of yourself as in getting to know yourself better, but rather thinking of your own physical and emotional needs. I've always pushed myself... often too hard... and I have always avoided dealing with that weakness... but it came back to frustrate me. I think that God wants me to face it. If it wasn't myself I was talking about, I would tell someone "you need to love yourself in the way that God loves you, in order to love everyone else in the way God loves them." My goal was to show such great love to others that it would change me, but maybe I wasn't showing myself enough God-like love. It's hard to deal with our own weaknesses... I've been avoiding it for as long as I have recognized it... but I feel better knowing that I have recognized avoiding it at least. Also, when it comes down to it, I definately had unreal expectations. The funny thing about a subjective expectation is that you can never make sure that you achieved it. How could I confirm to myself that I had changed indefinately?? Since I couldn't confirm that, I was disappointed with myself. I learned a lot about El Salvador's history, I grew a great respect for the people of El Salvador, I grew closer to some amazing people that attend First Baptist, met many great people from other churches, helped to build houses, shared many smiles.... and I would go back in a second. I am thankful that I went, but the trip wasn't perfect because I'm not perfect... and it's OK to be imperfect... now that's something I still need to convince myself of! Another thing that I will have to work on is allowing myself time to grow. Pastor Dave and I had an awesome chat the other day, and he told me that he thinks you don't really know yourself until you are 25ish... that I am still immature (in the literal sense) and that I can't expect as much from myself because I am human AND I am still young. That's kind of hard to accept; I don't like to think about myself as immature! BUT, it's true...so I will just have to accept that there is a LOT that I just don't get yet and I will have to be patient with myself while I learn. I hope that the next time I go on a mission trip, I will be more mature, but I guess it doesn't matter as much what I am hoping for as it does that I want to act out what GOD is hoping for. I know He will use me just the way I am, so I am going to let Him... whether I think I'm good enough or not.
Here are the things that I would love you to pray for:
-that the young adults of El Salvador would never lose their hope and vision for the future generations.
-that people all around the world would come to better grasp: learning from the past, hoping for the future, and finding God and His will in the PRESENT.
-that other young people would be able to go on mission trips and feel the power of God working amongst His people
-that I may use medicine to serve God in the way He desires.

My prayer for you is that God will bless you for taking an interest in one of His children. It means so much to me that people are reading my blog... that you are interested in my journey. I know God is interested in every single person's journey... unfortunately we are limited beings, and that is just not possible for us. You took the time and energy to care about mine and I want to thank you for that. God has placed you in my life and in doing so, has blessed me immensely. THANK YOU SO MUCH!