August 12

Today is Sunday morning and we are going to Emmanuel Baptist again at 10. We are singing Hope of the Nations and Tom will be preaching. At this point, I have been keeping a journal of events (NB: I guess it felt that way when I wrote this...), but I don't know if I have made any reflections. Certainly I have not made any prayer requests and I have attributed that to the fact that by the time I get my blog up, I will be long home... but I think there is more to it than that... I thought when I came here I would be moved and torn by all the injustice and poverty. I know that I would jump at the chance to be a part of any movement towards social justice, but I can't even begin to imagine myself organizing or running something. I think that's because I don't know enough about the history of social justice here or elsewhere. What would I do? What would I say? I know that there is hope and I am certain that the povery and injustice that has resulted by the influence of our sin (consumption, greed, ignorance) can be stopped. I wouldn't say that we CAN'T make a difference, but I just don't know how to. I will definately be more careful in selecting fair trade prodicts, and I will not forget the people here... but I still need to find out how I can actually HELP. I often find myself a bigger help when people have spiritual or emotional needs because I can relate to them. But how come I don't get the same satisfaction out of fulfilling needs that I have never had? Whose fault is it that I don't have to suffer in pain while unable to afford medications... that I've never gone hungry... that I've never wondered if I could get an education past high school... just because I am so lucky, I feel less passionate about the physical needs of God's people? Maybe part of the way I feel is due to a language barrier. In both south Africa and El Salvador, I did not speak to the locals directly. In SA, there usually wasn't even a translator! I felt so restrained in my ability to make a connection. Here I feel like my experience would be so much richer if I knew the language! I'm not saying that the language barrier should weaken a fight against poverty, but only that is has taken away a connection that might have given me greater passion for the cause.

I've seen how much these people have to offer and I want to be able to give something back to them. I think that in the future, I will need to learn the language first, and do adequate research on the country's history. I would also like to stay in the place I go for much longer. I really admire David and Suzannah, and I see how mature and wise Suzannah is... but I don't think I could use medicine in the same context. This is their full-time work... I don't think I will have years away from medicine, so I wonder if there are ways to use it with CBM. I haven't seen the healthcare system here, and I don't know if I can see myself practicing here, but I can't NOT see it... What I do know is that it doesn't matter where I am; unequal healthcare makes me so upset. It hurts to see people that are sick, unable to afford proper treatment. In SA, the healthcare was free, but it was often less wholistic than I usually hope to see in Canada. Here, medications are ofren unafordable! There is a free hospital, but it is inadequate. Apparently most employed people have a certain level of healthcare covered, but it is no luxury. There are many procedures that are simply not an option. I don't know exactly how it would take shape, but I could see myself using medicine to fight social injustices. The people here have so much hope for the entire nation; I don't think a medical mission would fulfill any of the big dreams that they have. It's not that I think medicine can change the world, but there must be something bigger than just serving in the present. Suzannah reminded me that Gos is in the present, and if you look too far into the past or the future, you will lose Him. It would be amazing to find the balance... live in the present, but keep that passion and hope for the future. The youth were talking about the future and it was incredibly empowering. Their visions were brilliant, and made me see how much I have to learn. I have to learn about the past, hope for the future, and live in the present. That is easy to say and it makes sense, but it's hard to really grasp! I think that's what God really needs from me, but how that will take shape is unknown to me. I am not upset that I don't understand; I am willing to be patient and see where He leads me.
Saying that is ironic because one of my biggest struggles right now is feeling like I am not listening to God. I think a big part of the reason I came on this mission trip was because I saw God's will in this trip. I felt like being here would be 'right'- like I would be doing the will of God... in this moment. Being here isn't enough though, and I feel like that's what I am doing: just being here... just living... just getting by. Sometimes I feel like I wasted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I don't know why I feel like this, but I'm upset with the part of me that feels apathetic, and I'm mad at the part of me that wants to go home.