Now

Well, that was my last entry: August 12. I was a bit hard on myself, but that's not unlike me. I think this was the first time I picked on myself for my thoughts as much as I did. I have still been upset with myself while back at home, and it has been hard to try and decode my thoughts. I talked to a few people about how I felt. One person asked me if I got everything that I wanted to out of the trip... and went on to say that if I didn't, that was ok. A few people told me that it may come with time. Two people told me that I was being too hard on myself and that maybe I was mentally exhausted after all the time away. One told me that there are limits to how much our psyche can grow and take in at one time; that maybe I couldn't take any more in. Maybe it's a combination of some of these things, but as acouple people told me, I think a big part of the way I feel is due to my tendancyo to expect perfection from myself. Striving for perfection and ESPECIALLY expecting perfection from myself has been a problem for as long as I can remember. What's ironic about the whole situation is that I hoped more than anything to go to El Salvador and totally forget myself; to just think about God's kingdom and forget my own needs. It's ironic because in doing so, I became disappointed with myself for not living up to that standard, and thus became ultra aware of myself.... exactly what I was trying to avoid! Being aware of yourself isn't always a bad thing, it just wasn't what I wanted to accomplish. I don't mean being aware of yourself as in getting to know yourself better, but rather thinking of your own physical and emotional needs. I've always pushed myself... often too hard... and I have always avoided dealing with that weakness... but it came back to frustrate me. I think that God wants me to face it. If it wasn't myself I was talking about, I would tell someone "you need to love yourself in the way that God loves you, in order to love everyone else in the way God loves them." My goal was to show such great love to others that it would change me, but maybe I wasn't showing myself enough God-like love. It's hard to deal with our own weaknesses... I've been avoiding it for as long as I have recognized it... but I feel better knowing that I have recognized avoiding it at least. Also, when it comes down to it, I definately had unreal expectations. The funny thing about a subjective expectation is that you can never make sure that you achieved it. How could I confirm to myself that I had changed indefinately?? Since I couldn't confirm that, I was disappointed with myself. I learned a lot about El Salvador's history, I grew a great respect for the people of El Salvador, I grew closer to some amazing people that attend First Baptist, met many great people from other churches, helped to build houses, shared many smiles.... and I would go back in a second. I am thankful that I went, but the trip wasn't perfect because I'm not perfect... and it's OK to be imperfect... now that's something I still need to convince myself of! Another thing that I will have to work on is allowing myself time to grow. Pastor Dave and I had an awesome chat the other day, and he told me that he thinks you don't really know yourself until you are 25ish... that I am still immature (in the literal sense) and that I can't expect as much from myself because I am human AND I am still young. That's kind of hard to accept; I don't like to think about myself as immature! BUT, it's true...so I will just have to accept that there is a LOT that I just don't get yet and I will have to be patient with myself while I learn. I hope that the next time I go on a mission trip, I will be more mature, but I guess it doesn't matter as much what I am hoping for as it does that I want to act out what GOD is hoping for. I know He will use me just the way I am, so I am going to let Him... whether I think I'm good enough or not.
Here are the things that I would love you to pray for:
-that the young adults of El Salvador would never lose their hope and vision for the future generations.
-that people all around the world would come to better grasp: learning from the past, hoping for the future, and finding God and His will in the PRESENT.
-that other young people would be able to go on mission trips and feel the power of God working amongst His people
-that I may use medicine to serve God in the way He desires.

My prayer for you is that God will bless you for taking an interest in one of His children. It means so much to me that people are reading my blog... that you are interested in my journey. I know God is interested in every single person's journey... unfortunately we are limited beings, and that is just not possible for us. You took the time and energy to care about mine and I want to thank you for that. God has placed you in my life and in doing so, has blessed me immensely. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

August 12

Today is Sunday morning and we are going to Emmanuel Baptist again at 10. We are singing Hope of the Nations and Tom will be preaching. At this point, I have been keeping a journal of events (NB: I guess it felt that way when I wrote this...), but I don't know if I have made any reflections. Certainly I have not made any prayer requests and I have attributed that to the fact that by the time I get my blog up, I will be long home... but I think there is more to it than that... I thought when I came here I would be moved and torn by all the injustice and poverty. I know that I would jump at the chance to be a part of any movement towards social justice, but I can't even begin to imagine myself organizing or running something. I think that's because I don't know enough about the history of social justice here or elsewhere. What would I do? What would I say? I know that there is hope and I am certain that the povery and injustice that has resulted by the influence of our sin (consumption, greed, ignorance) can be stopped. I wouldn't say that we CAN'T make a difference, but I just don't know how to. I will definately be more careful in selecting fair trade prodicts, and I will not forget the people here... but I still need to find out how I can actually HELP. I often find myself a bigger help when people have spiritual or emotional needs because I can relate to them. But how come I don't get the same satisfaction out of fulfilling needs that I have never had? Whose fault is it that I don't have to suffer in pain while unable to afford medications... that I've never gone hungry... that I've never wondered if I could get an education past high school... just because I am so lucky, I feel less passionate about the physical needs of God's people? Maybe part of the way I feel is due to a language barrier. In both south Africa and El Salvador, I did not speak to the locals directly. In SA, there usually wasn't even a translator! I felt so restrained in my ability to make a connection. Here I feel like my experience would be so much richer if I knew the language! I'm not saying that the language barrier should weaken a fight against poverty, but only that is has taken away a connection that might have given me greater passion for the cause.

I've seen how much these people have to offer and I want to be able to give something back to them. I think that in the future, I will need to learn the language first, and do adequate research on the country's history. I would also like to stay in the place I go for much longer. I really admire David and Suzannah, and I see how mature and wise Suzannah is... but I don't think I could use medicine in the same context. This is their full-time work... I don't think I will have years away from medicine, so I wonder if there are ways to use it with CBM. I haven't seen the healthcare system here, and I don't know if I can see myself practicing here, but I can't NOT see it... What I do know is that it doesn't matter where I am; unequal healthcare makes me so upset. It hurts to see people that are sick, unable to afford proper treatment. In SA, the healthcare was free, but it was often less wholistic than I usually hope to see in Canada. Here, medications are ofren unafordable! There is a free hospital, but it is inadequate. Apparently most employed people have a certain level of healthcare covered, but it is no luxury. There are many procedures that are simply not an option. I don't know exactly how it would take shape, but I could see myself using medicine to fight social injustices. The people here have so much hope for the entire nation; I don't think a medical mission would fulfill any of the big dreams that they have. It's not that I think medicine can change the world, but there must be something bigger than just serving in the present. Suzannah reminded me that Gos is in the present, and if you look too far into the past or the future, you will lose Him. It would be amazing to find the balance... live in the present, but keep that passion and hope for the future. The youth were talking about the future and it was incredibly empowering. Their visions were brilliant, and made me see how much I have to learn. I have to learn about the past, hope for the future, and live in the present. That is easy to say and it makes sense, but it's hard to really grasp! I think that's what God really needs from me, but how that will take shape is unknown to me. I am not upset that I don't understand; I am willing to be patient and see where He leads me.
Saying that is ironic because one of my biggest struggles right now is feeling like I am not listening to God. I think a big part of the reason I came on this mission trip was because I saw God's will in this trip. I felt like being here would be 'right'- like I would be doing the will of God... in this moment. Being here isn't enough though, and I feel like that's what I am doing: just being here... just living... just getting by. Sometimes I feel like I wasted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I don't know why I feel like this, but I'm upset with the part of me that feels apathetic, and I'm mad at the part of me that wants to go home.

August 11

Tonight we arrived back in San Salvador and we had pizza with the young adults of Emmanuel Baptist Church. I was so impressed with the things that they shared- they talked about how important it is for everyone to fight for justice and peace. I was moved by how mature all of them were. They are all around my age, but they seem so wise because they know so much about El Salvador's history and they have learned so much from the past. They express so much hope for the future!!!
Before we left, we had the closing ceremony in Alegria. All of the families that were to receive the houses were there, and each was presented with their key and some house-warming gifts. The owner of Suzannah's group's house said "God knows how I used to live, but now I have a palace!!" Apparently she has been living in a tent for 6 years and has prayed every night that God would find her a house. As Jenny said, we answered her prayers!
Despite all of the great things I am writing about, I feel like I haven't learned enough, done enough, or grown enough. I don't know if I am going to change when I get back home... or if I will change at all. It's been so long, that all I want to do is jump into my life. I feel so selfish right now and I feel like I've missed something from God... and now I don't know how to find whatever it is that is supposed to change me.

August 10

Today I was sick on and off. I went to breakfast and then the pain came on. After lying in bed for a bit, I decided to go to Suzannah's site. It was a pretty easy day, and I was so thankful for Suzannah's company. I also had a chat with one of the ladies on the trip and I was lucky enough to hear her story and the struggles that she has gone through. Before we left the site, the owner of the new home thanked me so much. Suzannah and I teared up... the woman said that God would bless us for this, but I had only been there for one day! How could she thank me??
I found out that my group on the hill had a bad day yesterday... now I wish I had been there. Apparently part of their work from yesterday had to be undone and redone, and that was very disappointing. Because of this setback, the roofers couldn't start the roof as planned, and I think that brought the group down :( Thankfully, Kari and Deb paid them a visit and cheered them up a bit. Now I am going for a walk with Suzannah to search for chocolate:)

August 9

I woke up this morning and I was very sick. I have felt sick since I woke up and now I am sitting at the work site. I hate having to watch while the others work, but I feel terrible. I've only been here for 15 minutes, but it feels like forever. Everytime I try to get up, I cramp up. Suzannah suggested staying at the camp, but I thought it would get better once we got out here... now I am hoping it will get better sometime in the near future. I guess since I have some time to sit here, I will try to remember some of the interesting things that the group members shared about their days last night:
-someone shared about the woman who will own the house she is working at... this lady has been withdrawn and silent the whole week, but when Deb told her how beautiful her house was (in Spanish), as they were laying the tiles, she lit right up and said "si!!!"
-another high was when Saul, a Spanish young adult from the community who speaks great English, was talking about the people in El Salvador. He has so much hope for the FMLN (political party) and for all that they believe in. Kari noted that despite how hopeless their situation may seem to us, Saul has so much hope and he believes that anything is possible. I've met him a couple of times and he is a sweetheart. He's intent on teaching us Spanish and on making everyone smile. As Kari noted, we could picture him being a big part of the future in El Salvador. His heart is huge and he's very intelligent.
Oh, I just remembered something: some of us have tried to use the internet here. We were told that it was a bad idea to use the cafe that we had seen and Suzannah told us that the person who owns it is the old mayor and he isn't a very good man to support. Apparently, among many other things, he sold the community soccer field to a private company so that it is no longer accessible to the people living here! This sort of thing happens all the time, for example, most of the beaches and some parks charge a fee to use them so that there are fewer and fewer places for people to meet and hang out... this has contributed to the huge numbers of youth that hang out in malls all the time. Another example is the plant in Alegria that was sold to an italian company that takes all of the profits out of El Salvador. Apparently coffee and another main resourse (I forget what it was...) are not as competetive anymore, so that the main commodity is actually labour in sweat shops or similar positions. That reminds me: I don't know much about the nike company except that many people boycott it ... and oddly enough, I see it a lot of loals wearing nike. I heard that fake brand names is very popular here, which would make more sense than anything else.... but I still thought it was worth noting. Anyhow, back to our group meeting and the things that people shared...
Al told us that Dennis, a CBM rep from out west, was entertaining the children with balloon animals and a clown show. Al was telling us how much joy this brough to them; Dennis speaks fluent Spanish, so he was always sharing stories with the locals.
Al also shared that one girl had chronic migraines that would last up to a week, but that she couldn't afford the medications. Jenny saw her and till try to get the name of a cheaper med that she can combine with caffeine (in the form of coffee) to get pretty much the same result. In South Africa, all of the health care was free, including drugs, but here it is different. If you can't afford something, you are out of luck... this blows my mind. I hope to one day come back to look at the healthcare system here, but I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be... it just seems so impossibly unfair.
Jenny brought up that some people on the trip were feeling overwhelmed, but none of us seemed to feel that way. For some reason, we had a different outlook on the situation. Kari brought up that despite what they lack, it is important to remember that the people here all have their own highs and lows, but many of them are walking with God! Who is to say if they are happy or not? Many of them appear very joyful; more joyful than people we see in Canada actually. She also reminded us that as North Americans, we bring different baggage... and differnt does NOT equal better. That resonates with my prayers of late: that the poor would be blessed as we are blessed (shelter, food, security) and that we would be blessed as the poor are blessed (simplicity, gratitude). When Jesus says "blessed are the poor," I think that the reason they are blessed is because they often have Christ-like qualities such as gratitude, less demands, andmore patience. We can mourn for social injustices and suffering, but it is important to celebrate the blessings that they have, and can teach us. I also think about the metaphor for the rich entering heaven... a camel through the eye of a needle... what is it that makes the rich turn from God? I think of all the sin that we are drawn into here: consumption, greed, ambitions, and competition. While I want to help fight social injustices, eliminate poverty, and stop oppression, I also don't see the way we live as ideal. I envy their simplicity in lifestyle and admire their complexity in thinking... there are so many brilliant people around us. We have been so fortunate to have Canadians translate for us. David grew up in Bolivia, but spent years in Canada, so he was able to translate while keeping the appropriate meaning. The brilliance and the grace of their thoughts could be conveyed to us... there are people with such great insight into the needs of the people and into their future, their spirituality, and thier community. This country has an amazing history and some of the people here have learned from it and are ready to embrace the future. I feel energized when I hear some of the people we have met share whatever it is that they want us to understand!

August 8

I worked harder than ever today. We carried dirt up the massive hill all day! There were so many times where I thought that I wouldn't make it through the day... but here I am :) At one point today, as I was going up the hill, I watched an ant carrying a piece of leaf. I thought about how much work the ants do all day, everyday, for their entire lives... and I thought about how futile the work of one ant is. One ant can't make a difference. A whole colony of ants, however... they can do amazing things! Not only can they build unbelievable structures compared to their size, but they will rebuild 100 times over if need be. The truck ran over an ant hill yesterday, and today (before the truck came back up...) the ants had rebuilt it. I know that being simply ants, they do it out of necessity, but it made me think of hope- the hope that it would take humans to work as hard as that. To labour over something over and over- it reminds me now of how hard the people here fight for the poor, and fight for the FMLN. At the time, I thought about the ants and the difference that they can make as a colony. This morning, one of the girls was discouraged by the poverty and hopelessness that she felt the families had. She felt like their lives were worth less to them than ours are to us. She felt like we couldn't possibly make a difference. I thought about how if everyone did God's will for just a short time, the world would be so different. I also think about the devotional video I saw last year, which talked about God's story and our choice to be a part of it or not. Whether or not we participate, God will fulfill His divine purpose- sort of how whether or not an individual ant decides to work, the colony will still complete the ant hill... I really want to be a part of God's story, and I think that this week I am. Our presence here gives many people hope and when we come home filthy after a long day, some people are surprised because we are white. I like to think that they see us serving and realize that we are all equal.

August 7

After a second day of working, I'm feeling a bit sore, but eager to keep at it. The day started with a great breakfast and some fun stretches with Deb, an aerobics instructor from our church in London. However, as I was collecting snacks for the group, David told me that I may be switching groups... or at least someone from our team would have to switch, but we could decide who would go to the house that needed more help. I was so disappointed because I had a lot of fun yesterday with Al, Jenny, Dennis, and David. Anyhow, as I was walking towards the trucks, David said that he would be coming with me and I felt a lot better about agreeing to be the one to leave the group. David is a very genuine person, with a positive attitude. I was also relieved because that meant that I wouldn't be the only english-speaker at that particular house (it had happened to 2 women yesterday... but it was an accident and it was all fixed today). So, we left for the "site at the top of the hill"... and boy, was it ever a hill! The first climb up, I was in disbelief... the house was actually half a kilometer up!!!! The first task was to carry sand up the hill... a seemingly impossible task. David pulled the truck half way up the hill and we all thanked God! We worked on carrying dirt up the hill until lunch time. The morning passed quickly and lunch was great. Rachel and I sat in the truck after we ate and we relaxed for 15 minutes; it felt great! The rest of the afternoon was pretty light on work; we mixed cement (not so light work), cut rebarb, and sat for a bit. Actually, that rest was definately needed! We got back and had papusas for dinner. It is such a popular food that you can compare it to a hamburger here... not that they look or taste alike at all, but they are everywhere!! They are made of the basic corn tortilla (which we have been consuming by the dozen, along with fried bananas, fried beans, and fried egg) filled with beans and cheese- sometimes they have pork as well. After dinner, we had a group meeting and the 6 of us shared our highs and lows. I love our meetings; we just lye on the beds and we laugh, and laugh, and laugh.